What Freedom Feels Like

The patchwork quilt lays quietly in ripples across the sea of grass growing wildly and abundantly into the sky.The breeze swirls and dances through the peach fuzz on my arms.Sunshine seeps into my soul and feels like being baptized in God's love.I breathe in the honeysuckle sweetness and breath out the toxicity poisoning my spirit. The heaviness that bearing the weights of my world impales into my heart.This world is beautiful. But broken.I am broken. By my own sin. By others' sin.In my brokenness, I pick up the pieces and clumsily tape them back together. Like trying to mend the pieces of remaining flesh after a lion has feasted on his prey.Believing that it must be done before it can be a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God. Before the spiritual act of worship.But duct tape and clumsy hands cannot repair. The heart is too complex, too essential, too. . .Broken. Shattered. Incinerated. Obliterated.Pieces too small for human eyes and hands to maneuver.It is God's wo…

Good News!

Spiritual body emaciated. Starved. Stomach distended from malnourishment. Eyes dead with despair. Lips dry. cracked.


Poisoned food. Dirty water.

I thought pursuing Him was a checklist.

I didn't know . . .

. . .  that He loves me.

I didn't knowthat He wants me.

I didn't knowthat I can have a relationship with Him.

Suspicious. Afraid of poison. dirty water . . . unaware that I was already consuming it.

. . . refused to eat Bread of Life or drink Living Water.

I needed the Gospel.

So . . .

He pursued. He loved.

answered misguided prayers. worked for my goodsent people.

They told me about a God who loves me.Who chose meAnd who is happy He did.

They told me about a Savior who died for me while I was lost in my sin. He died for me while I was lying, cheating, immoral . . . hammering nails into His flesh.

They showed me how to stophammering the nails into His flesh and start nailing my sins there instead.

They. belong. there.

Stopped eating poison, drinking dirty wat…

What I am Praying For This Year

I forced my fingers to type the email my spirit determined to send.

My flesh wanted the fun and excitement of working full-time in a high rise in downtown. But my spirit knew it wasn't right.

The battle exhausted me emotionally.

I go from thing to thing. I have always looked at it as being open minded. Being willing to rethink things and learn and grow and change my course accordingly.

And maybe it IS a good thing at least some of the time.

I am constantly on the prowl for what God wants me to be doing. Something comes along and I pounce on it like a puppy on a new, squeeky toy. And then, in the middle of working on the first thing, something else comes a long and I am like "Squirrel!" and I drop the first thing and move on to the next. Sometimes I go back to the original thing, but then I see another squirrel and the same pattern repeats itself.

So, this year I am determined to break my gypsy cycle. So I met with a counselor and got some great advice. And I looked up h…

Order of Operations: God's Process

When my kitchen is a MESS, I mean REALLY A MESS. Like every last dish in the kitchen is dirty, there's not a square centimeter of counter space that's not congested with dishes or covered in flour or jelly, and the trash is overflowing. When my kitchen is THAT dirty...I have a process.

I don't go in and start doing the dishes. I start with the easiest tasks. The tasks that can be done quickly but that make a big difference quickly. First, I take out the trash. Second, I put away the things on the counters that are ready to be put away, consolidate the dishes into one space, and wipe down the counters. Then I unload the dishwasher, reload it, and fill the dirtiest dishes to be hand washed with warm water, a bit of Dawn and set them aside. Finally, I wash the dishes.
When the dishes are all clean, I set about detailing the counters - making sure there is no trace of jelly or flour in the nooks and crannys - and any other organizational tasks that need to be completed.


What I haven't told you about our house. . .

I clicked on a Facebook ad.

Facebook ads are mostly a source of merriment for me. A while back all of the ads were for toilets. Apparently SOMEONE had been shopping for toilets online.

Anyway, I clicked on the ad. It was from a mortgage lender boasting that they could give us a mortgage that would be cheaper than renting. I honestly don't know why it caught my eye. It did, I clicked it and filled out the form. I was brutally honest about our financial situation. I didn't want to get halfway through the process, fall in love with a house and then be told we didn't actually qualify.

I expected them to either respond with a checklist of things we needed to do to qualify, or not at all. I never in a million years thought they would tell us that we qualify. (Michael was actually really annoyed that I did this. He had no confidence in this at all.)

To be honest, we had given up hope of being homeowners the spring before.

So I was shocked when they responded pretty quickly assuri…

Getting to Know the Shepherd of My Soul

As the deer pants for water so my soul longs to know God. To drink Him in.

I grasp for Him with each breath as my spirit cries “more of you God, less of me”.
I search for Him in the pages of the Old. In the relationships vividly depicted there.

Israel asked for a king. God gave them one. He warned them, and then He gave them one.  

I used to think God chose Saul to be the first king because he was such a great guy. But I’ve changed my mind. I think God may have chosen him because He knew Saul would go down in flames. To contrast our foolish and shallow view of humanity in thinking we know what's best for us, with His all wise and all knowing perspective.

Saul was the exact kind of person to catch a human eye. The one we would all choose to be king. From my point of view, he seemed the right choice. But he quickly became cocky, unwilling to submit to God and in deep denial about his attitude and sin. He ended up chasing David around the country-side in very real 'Roadrunner and C…

Window Shopping: Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places

Cold and dark. Crisp. Leaves rain from sky, settle on sidewalk and my steps choke a satisfying crunch from their lifeless leafy body.

Breath catches. I peer into the window of a home as I pass. The light from within penetrates the darkness outside. Warmth, laughter and love spills into the night.

The coziness of the scene sucker punches me. Loneliness envelopes me. 
Longing fills my gut.
Craving . . . 
to be included. invited in. loved. accepted. 
to understand the meaning behind the knowing glances and secret language that evokes mirth, but only to those who know it well.

to be completely and utterly known. And to know. 
I know this aching well. 
I've walked through life looking in windows at every opportunity to socialize.
Harming. Me
If I could be funnier. If I were prettier, thinner, nicer, more easygoing, more hardcore. If I liked different things, if my goals were different. If I were someone else. Anyone else
Like a science ficti…

Had it Not Been the Lord Who Was on My Side . . .

3 years ago today, the kids and I carried all of our earthly possessions and set them in our driveway for Michael to pack into the trailer we would haul behind our van. We had planned and schemed for over a year and those plans and schemes were coming to fruition.

Somehow we had the money and the time just seemed right.

We moved to CA when our kids were 5, 4, 3, 15 months and 15 months. I was 25 and . . . barely alive. Physically and mentally.

We needed to get away. A fresh start. And that’s what California gave us. We stayed there 6 years and 10 months.

I think the most significant thing that happened while we lived there is that I really and truly gave my life to Jesus. I stepped out of my denial and admitted how messed up I was and how I had completely messed up my life. I realized that my brokenness was all I had to offer and I gave it to Him to deal with. And I learned that He wanted that all along.

That eventually brought our family to Texas. Irving. Older women. Spiritual couns…