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Do Over

One thing I appreciate in other people is the willingness to be honest and talk to me if they think I've got a problem - sin or otherwise. I hope that you will always feel welcome to bring criticism to me and know that I will love you all the more for doing it.

I am reposting this because I was unsatisfied with it the first time. Just to warn you, I'm going to be really honest in this post.

I have been struggling a lot lately. More than usual. With very basic things like getting up in the morning. I'm going to be honest. I've had problems with depression but it hasn't been this bad in a couple of years.

I love my kids. I love my husband. I would never want to face life without them. My emotional issues have nothing to do with them. Except they do because they are the ones affected the most by them.

One of the things I have always vowed to myself is that my kids would never have to parent me. They would never be or feel like they are responsible for my flaws. Kids shouldn't have to get their parents up in the morning or hover to make sure their mom is alright or to assess the emotional forecast for the day. THEY JUST SHOULDN'T.

I don't want my kids to ever have to put up a front because I'm failing them. I don't want them to have to pretend we're the perfect family and have no where to turn because everyone thinks everything is okay and wouldn't believe it if they knew the truth.

Kids shouldn't have to bear that burden. Parents shouldn't let them. I won't do that to my kids.

Usually, I can get back up. I want to, I know how. I do.

But this time, I haven't been able to find my footing. I'm not saying I lie in bed all day, I might want to but so far I've resisted that urge.

Michael has probably been the one to bear the brunt of my emotional state. I typically keep my thoughts and that sort of thing to myself anyway but lately it's like I'm in a fortress. Nobody can get in and I'm sure not coming out. I don't talk to anyone, not even Michael. I don't have much contact with the outside world.

I'm so tired. I'm tired of being hurt. There are expectations that I have of other people that are just never going to get met. I am tired of being rejected by friends and by the people who are supposed to love and protect me. But you know what? The only one being hurt by my defense mechanism is me. I'm missing out. I'm missing out on Jesus love, I'm missing out on Michael's love. And I'm tired of missing out.

I'm letting go today. I love my husband and I love my babies.

I'm not saying that I'll never be depressed again. I'm sure I'll need that light bulb again. But I can tell you this for sure, my babies are gonna be loved and cared for and my husband is going to be treated like a king.

Comments

  1. Hannah I am praying for you right now and will continue to do so. No one can empathize about depression unless they've been there so I know a lot of people aren't going to understand. I'm glad you had a "lightbulb" moment... Hang on to that when times get tough. I personally think that's really the only thing that can get rid of depression without drugs. It's like your brain finally has to say ENOUGH! Like I said, I am praying for you. I know when I was feeling down, the last thing I wanted to do was to pick up the phone and maybe you're the same way, but please call/txt/email/chat/whatever if you ever want to talk. Our situations are different, but I know what it's like to be in the depths of despair.

    Love you! And I'll keeeeeeeep praying!

    ReplyDelete
  2. You've made a huge leap in acknowledging the truth of your state. However mysterious, truth truly does have the ability to bring FREEDOM!

    ReplyDelete

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