Facing My Giants Part Deux

I'm not sure that this belongs here. But I think that, for my own healing and moving on, it has to go somewhere. So for right now, this is it.

I'm a little unsure of how to start so I think I'll just jump in and hope this is coherent.

Pride is my worst fault. It is at the core of every bad decision I've ever made. I wield my pride first as a shield and then as a weapon.

I've talked about how much I've changed from the girl I used to be. I loved lavishly and gave my whole heart. But little by little, as injury after injury came, and each time I wielded my pride (instead of admitting that my feelings were hurt--whether legitimately or not--I hid my tears...swallowed them and raised my chin in defiance and pride) the wall was built higher, until brick by brick I had laid the Great Wall of China around my heart. My quiet pride grew to a defensive one and anyone approaching my wall was pushed back and fired upon until I looked around me and, literally, I was alone.

I've always been baffled by my own pride and arrogance...after all, I have extremely low self esteem. Pride isn't the result of feeling good about myself...it's my overcompensation for NOT feeling good about myself...it's yet another way my inability to show vulnerability is manifested.

I don't want to be like that. I've been praying for God to turn me into the lover of others that He created me to be until I allowed my pride to obliterate His plan for me.

I'm not saying that I've suddenly gotten a new heart...but brick by brick and day by day I can feel the wall coming down. I'm ready to love lavishly, with my whole heart...and I'm learning to trust that God will get me through the rejections and hurt feelings.

I have to admit though,I'm scared. I'm scared for my renewed open heart to be tested. Will I pass the test? I don't know. Will I wield my pride shield at the first sign of pain? I don't know. I honestly don't know.

I am so thankful that God hasn't given up on me. I used to consider taking my own life and I would cry and cry and ask God why I was alive...I couldn't see any good reason...I was not only a burden on myself but on everyone around me.

Today, I feel like I finally know why I didn't die. I am truly thankful to be alive. I am thankful that as low as I got...and as low as I still am, He hasn't given up on me. And even though I am still so flawed and I have so much changing to do and I stumble on a regular basis...I feel like the lost who has been found. I'm no longer a sheep lost in the dark waiting to be eaten by a wolf...I've been found by the shepherd.

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