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Facing My Giants Part Deux

I'm not sure that this belongs here. But I think that, for my own healing and moving on, it has to go somewhere. So for right now, this is it.

I'm a little unsure of how to start so I think I'll just jump in and hope this is coherent.

Pride is my worst fault. It is at the core of every bad decision I've ever made. I wield my pride first as a shield and then as a weapon.

I've talked about how much I've changed from the girl I used to be. I loved lavishly and gave my whole heart. But little by little, as injury after injury came, and each time I wielded my pride (instead of admitting that my feelings were hurt--whether legitimately or not--I hid my tears...swallowed them and raised my chin in defiance and pride) the wall was built higher, until brick by brick I had laid the Great Wall of China around my heart. My quiet pride grew to a defensive one and anyone approaching my wall was pushed back and fired upon until I looked around me and, literally, I was alone.

I've always been baffled by my own pride and arrogance...after all, I have extremely low self esteem. Pride isn't the result of feeling good about's my overcompensation for NOT feeling good about's yet another way my inability to show vulnerability is manifested.

I don't want to be like that. I've been praying for God to turn me into the lover of others that He created me to be until I allowed my pride to obliterate His plan for me.

I'm not saying that I've suddenly gotten a new heart...but brick by brick and day by day I can feel the wall coming down. I'm ready to love lavishly, with my whole heart...and I'm learning to trust that God will get me through the rejections and hurt feelings.

I have to admit though,I'm scared. I'm scared for my renewed open heart to be tested. Will I pass the test? I don't know. Will I wield my pride shield at the first sign of pain? I don't know. I honestly don't know.

I am so thankful that God hasn't given up on me. I used to consider taking my own life and I would cry and cry and ask God why I was alive...I couldn't see any good reason...I was not only a burden on myself but on everyone around me.

Today, I feel like I finally know why I didn't die. I am truly thankful to be alive. I am thankful that as low as I got...and as low as I still am, He hasn't given up on me. And even though I am still so flawed and I have so much changing to do and I stumble on a regular basis...I feel like the lost who has been found. I'm no longer a sheep lost in the dark waiting to be eaten by a wolf...I've been found by the shepherd.


  1. I hope you don't mind my commenting on what is obviously a deeply felt post. I too suffer from low self esteem so I don't expect you to totally accept this, but I'm loving reading your posts and your comments on FB. I so wish we lived nearer. It would be wonderful to have you as a near neighbor. :D

  2. I am so thankful that God has brought you out of the pit. Like a song I love says, "The life you've been livin, the days you've been given, are made for something beautiful!"


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