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Ramble Alert!

There are a bazillion reasons that I want to be healthy (ie at an ideal weight). Mostly because I really believe that I cannot truly be trusting in God and putting my faith in Him, if I'm relying so heavily on my unhealthy relationship with food.

For the first 40 pounds I didn't do any kind of exercise. At that point I picked an exercise DVD and started working out. I didn't just choose something easy. I chose something difficult and that's kind of what I've done ever since.

Well, until a couple of months ago. I've had a really hard time talking myself into working out with any regularity and with any real conviction/challenge. I've mostly walked and even that has not been consistent.

Last night, for the first time in a couple of months I made it through an entire workout where I could barely breath and at several points I thought I might faint. It was hard. The entire time I wanted nothing more than to quit. I prayed the entire time for God to just get me through the particular exercise I was doing.

In one of the particularly difficult parts I stopped and had a mental breakdown. I'm pretty sure Michael was completely bewildered.

{In this whole process it has really been imprinted on me, how closely related my weight loss is to my spiritual state. And that I can do all the good things I want to but God is the source of everything good and I can't do anything of any real value...only He can. I've struggled with the whole sin/grace/works thing and I think that this whole process has taught me a lot about that. Not that I understand it, I won't claim that. But I'm learning.}

I wanted, and still want, this to come easy. I want losing weight to be easy. And honestly, the last 100 pounds has been fairly easy. But now I've gotten to where I'm close enough to my goal weight that it's slowing down and getting more difficult. I don't burn as many calories in every day life and in my workouts because I'm not carrying as much weight.

It's not just the physical things that are difficult. It's the emotional stuff as well. Dealing with the emotions of having people treat me differently (the few people who avoided me before who go out of their way to talk to me now...which I'm okay with...being fat is basically wearing a sign that tells everyone you aren't perfect and specifically what you struggle would be the same for someone who walked around with a sign that said they were a liar or a would make people I completely understand and I don't resent it...but it is something to deal with) and people depending on me for "inspiration" and being completely unworthy of that. It's the fear of failure...and people (who are well meaning, I'm sure) who think I'm just doing this for right now and will just gain it all back and make that clear to me.

It's not easy. It's hard. And even though it's a good hard and I can see the benefits of it being's still against my nature to do hard things. And there are days when I have to depend heavily on prayer and God's answer to get through it. But that's good, right? Because we all know where depending on myself got me.


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