Loser or Not?

I haven't been being as open about my weightloss/or lack thereof lately. I'm not sure what that means.

I do have my reasons.

Out of the past 5 weigh-ins I've gained 3 times. I was not emotionally ready to share that information. Because while most people mean well and are encouraging...there are the people who think I've gone back to my old habits and lecture me about what I'm doing wrong. And when you're working hard it's difficult to have someone tell you that you're doing it all wrong...especially when they don't know what you're doing at all.

Last weeks gain, I'm pretty sure, was the result of a heavy workout schedule. I hadn't worked out like that in a couple of months and restarting always makes me gain.

But, I have to admit, these past two weeks have been challenging for me. Trying to figure out what's going on and rededicating to everything and assessing to find areas where I need improvement.

Today and last week are the first time in the past 13 months where I've been tempted to not weigh-in. I did weigh-in last week and I will weigh-in today.

I am scared today. I'm afraid of the emotions I'll feel if there's another gain. Afraid that I AM going to fall off the wagon and just go back to my old habits. Afraid that I'm going to be stuck here and give up and not lose anymore or get to my goal weight.

Because I have to admit...I'm shocked that I've made it this far. I honestly don't think that I thought I ever would. I think I thought that I'd be fat for the rest of my life.

It's scary. I'm scared. I know that a gain would just provide me with an opportunity to grow...and I want to grow.

So if God has a gain for me today...then I'm (trying to be) okay with that. I want what He wants for me.

I just hope he wants me to lose! and not gain!

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