On the Eve of My Son Becoming a Teenager

Tuesday I will become the mother of a teenager. It seems so strange to say that. I am way more emotional than I thought I would be. I'm not really sad that's he's growing up, I guess it's just that I'm thinking of all the things I want him to know and all the things I wish I had said and done or at least done better.

In some ways it seems like yesterday that Caleb was born. And in others, it seems an eternity away. I feel like a completely different person.

I was 20 when Caleb was born. 20 didn't seem extremely young then, but now, thinking that if Caleb has a child at 20, I could be 7 years away from being a grandparent...20 seems incredibly young. I still feel like a fraud on Mother's Day. I can't imagine becoming a grandparent in the next ten years. But it very seriously could happen.

The next few years are going to be really important. I don't know what they'll bring, but I know my God. 

 From a fleshly standpoint, I want him to have friends and be successful. I want him to go to college and get a good job and marry a nice girl, if he wants to, and have some kids and never have any problems.

But my spirit knows it can't be that simple and wants God to wreck him. Because I would rather him have Jesus than a degree. I would rather him be a disciple of Jesus (in the true sense of that) and lead a life of poverty than be distracted by this world and the things it has to offer. I want peace for him, but I want the peace that passes all understanding. I want God to do whatever it takes to mold my son into the image of His. 

The things that that could mean are scary. And they might be painful to watch. But I know that God is good. I know it. And I will spend a lot of time on my knees.

I have no delusions that he will be sinless. But I am thankful that Michael and I are learning to put away our sins and I pray that we do and our kids will see that and know that when it comes time, we can help them with theirs.

I just love him so much and I just want Jesus for him. I want him to seek God with all of his heart. I pray that in the next few years, God will direct my mothering steps and send people into his life that will lead him there.

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