About a week and a half ago, my big boys were packing for Scout camp. I had planned to start early, and we did but we didn't finish early and I was headed for my old panic routine of completely flipping out. I don't even remember the specifics, but I remember that I was probably channeling the Queen of Hearts from Alice in Wonderland (OFF with their heads!).
I've always said that I want my family to be different. I don't want to yell at each other. I don't want my kids to think I'm a hypocrite. I don't want my kids to be angry at me. I don't want slammed doors and words spewed like venom.
I want love and respect. Even in disagreement.
I used to be a yeller. As a young mom, I found myself going down a lot of roads I said I never would.
I didn't know how to be a mom. I didn't know how to create an environment that embodied all of the things I wanted for my family. I still don't really. I know that sounds silly but I honestly was ignorant. I knew that I was supposed to clean the house and feed and bathe my children but I did not understand how to do all of that. It didn't and doesn't come natural to me. I really wish that I had asked someone to help me. But I thought I was supposed to know how to do it all, and I was too prideful to let anyone know how much I didn't know.
God has done so much work in me. He has sent people my way to teach me and help me. I still have a looooooong way to go but I am so thankful for His work in my life. Did you notice that I said I used to be a yeller?! Uh huh. I used to be. I still mess up every once in a while but I am definitely in recovery for that.
So, in my Queen of Hearts state, Nathaniel had had enough and returned fire (via a response spoken under his breath). I reprimanded him. I was NOT prepared for what happened next. He turned to me and said "when you made that face I felt tempted to talk back to you". I had managed not to yell but apparently the look on my face was pretty rabid...I'm thinking probably Cruella DeVille-ish. Yeah, it was so bad that I have to use more than one Disney villain to fully express the awfulness.
I actually had a hard time keeping a straight face. We've been working on using the whole "when you...I feel...I need" statements and he totally turned it on me!!! It immediately convicted me and I asked for forgiveness.
And as they left for camp I spent time in prayer for my sweet boys and for myself. I spent the week asking God to make me a better mom and to transform me completely and to do whatever it takes to make me like Jesus.
I'm not going to say that I am fixed and that my son will never have to let me know I've crossed the line again, but I am so glad to have them home. I really missed them but I'm so thankful that they had the opportunity to go.
And I am thankful for the opportunity to see where I'm deficient and to surrender more fully to God's care and control and to all the changes he wants to make in my life.