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Showing posts from August, 2015

Listening More Than I Talk

I get frustrated with politics. For a long time I've basically ignored the news on the basis that after mothering 5 kiddos I didn't have the energy to worry about what was happening outside of our never ending mountain of laundry. But I've regained my interest in the world of politics and where our country and our world is headed.

As a young person I was very interested in politics but per my upbringing, I believed that any career having anything to do with politics was not something a Christian could do. I have since changed my mind. Maybe God put my interest in history, government and politics inside me for a reason, I don't know. Maybe it's just a silly passion that I will soon realize is just a manifestation of a worldly frame of mind. I don't know. I'm totally open to being wrong on most subjects, I would rather feel the sting of rebuke than remain staunchly in the wrong.

I don't consider myself a Republican or a Democrat. Both parties embrace vari…

God Loves and Knows My Kids More Than I Do...I Can Trust Him with Them

I haven't written all week.

Sure, I've been busy, my kids started public school and I've been busy working in my home. And our computer is broken so I either have to peck on my phone or wait until my husband gets home with his laptop.  But since I've been really trying to be totally available and engaged with my kids when they get home from school...that option doesn't work.

So I am probably not going to reach my two post quota this week.

God is working in my life but it's not really things that I can put into words yet.

He's been showing me that I can trust Him with my kids. Which I already knew but for the first three days of school I kind of forgot.

I wanted them to go to school and effortlessly fit in and everything just be be hunky-dorey. But it wasn't. There were challenges. And I could have stepped in, but I think God didn't want me to. I think He wanted me to know and remember that He loves these babies a million times more than I do. And if…

The Flip Side to Broken Marriage--Things You Should Know

Now that we know the ways we are broken and the source of our brokeness, it can be addressed. We've stepped out of denial and into our desperate need for our Savior. Our broken lives and broken marriage have given us a knowledge for our need of our Great Physician more than ever.

A really neat perk of where our marriage is right now? I don't love him because he's a good husband. I don't love him because he's a good provider. I don't love him because of all the things we have in common. I love him. And that's all. He doesn't have to do anything to earn my love. I love him because we've spent the last 14 years as partners in the trenches.

Things that used to get on my nerves don't anymore. Because I love him. And that has absolutely nothing to do with his actions so I am free to just accept him exactly like he is. I've come to realize that my love for him is deep...deeper than anything he can do to annoy me.

Does that mean I don't want him…

Broken Marriage

Writing things down helps me process them.

I've written a lot about my marriage and the struggles we've had. I've tried really hard to not pretend, to not convey that things are better than they are.

Our marriage is broken. Because we are, and have been, broken.

It's like a horribly cracked foundation of a house. We can fix the cracks in the walls and replace the flooring all we want to but if the foundation isn't fixed it's just going to re-crack. There's no point in doing all of that patchwork if the foundation is broken.

For a long time we just ignored the cracks in the walls and floors of our marriage. I read books and blogs and tried to make the most of the house of our marriage.

Now, and for a while, we've been trying to get to the bottom of the damage. And just as I think we've gotten to the bottom of it all, we make a new discovery. It's like when you go to change the spark plugs on your car and realize you need a new engine. (I don'…

I Love Peter!

Peter is one of my favorite disciples.

I was just reading the Gospel of John. Jesus has just finished telling the disciples to love each other as He loved them.

And then Peter speaks up to ask Jesus where He is going. Jesus tells Peter that he can't follow Him now, but will later. Peter says
"Lord, why can I not follow you now? I will lay down my life for you."  Jesus answered, “Will you lay down your life for me? Truly, truly, I say to you, the rooster will not crow till you have denied me three times." We all know what happened. Peter denied Him. Three times. Just like Jesus said he would.

This time Jesus' reply really struck me. I imagine that Peter recalled Jesus' question when the rooster crowed. "Will you lay down your life for me?" I wonder how many times he thought of that moment throughout his life. I imagine it crossed his mind when he was being nailed to his own cross. But that time he replied with a resounding YES! Not with his tongue a…

More Questions than Answers

I wonder if Leah ever felt loved? I wonder if she regretted tricking Jacob into marrying her?

Laban probably thought he was doing the right thing. Maybe Leah did too. Or maybe Leah just did what her father told her to. 
Jacob was a decent guy. He honored the commitment he made. He cared for her needs. He gave her her fair share of bed sharing. But I wonder if she ever regretted what she had done? 
I wonder what went on in her head? Did she long to be loved? Did she long to be chosen? How on Earth did she live a happy life always knowing Rachel was the chosen one? Rachel's children were even preferred over hers. 
Honestly, until the last few years, Leah was probably my least favorite too. But I have grown curious about her.
Maybe she was a much better woman than I am. Maybe she coped well and was content with her life and husband. 
Ultimately God used it all for good. And I doubt that she cares about being loved by Jacob now. But I wonder what she would say if I could have her over…

Serving by Being Served

I'm not a super gifted person, but a few years ago as a result of a spiritual conviction and a true desire to serve, I thought long and hard of what I could do. Finally I decided that I could serve pregnant mothers with older children by cleaning their homes so they could rest.

With a timid heart but the courage of my convictions I made a list and approached each one.

All of them turned me down. They all seemed offended.

I was crushed. I felt rejected and frustrated.

I don't really know the psychology behind why THEY did this, but to be honest, I've done the same thing.

I was taught to not ask for things...to not "bother" people. And so my first instinct is to do things myself...even if I can't or I need help. Most of the time it doesn't even enter my mind that I CAN ask for help or that I should. I typically just tell myself that if I worked harder that I wouldn't need help. So I put my head down and barrel through.

But I'm learning to say 'y…

Future Plans and Goals

Throughout my adulthood I have struggled to find anything that I'm good at.

I finally admitted a few months ago that, thinking as honestly as I can, I think God gave me the talent of writing. I'm still open to realizing that I am wrong, and I'm not saying I'm Shakespeare or Emily Dickinson, but I think He gave me words. 
So back in March I decided to commit to writing regularly and posting to my blog 2 times a week. And I have kept that commitment. I'm offering my "not enough" to God. 
But even though I think God has compelled me to write, my talent and knowledge of how to do it properly are limited. And so, for His glory I have desired to improve my craft. 
I've spent the last month or so diligently studying writing and I have come to the conclusion that one of my biggest issues is with editing.
Basically, beyond checking for spelling and blatant grammatical errors, I don't do it. Every thing I've ever published on this blog has been a first,…

I'm Not Who I Thought I Was

Have you ever wondered which part you would play in the story of the Good Samaritan?

I have. And until recently I would have said that I would have been the Samaritan.

A few days ago an older (read:wiser) woman expressed some frustration at the lack of initiative and responsibility that people around my age, in the church, take for their "neighbors" who aren't already in their circle of friends.

As a result, I sort of came to the realization that I have played the Levite or priest role.

 I've seen people sitting off by themselves and passed them by. I've noticed that someone wasn't at church but didn't bother to check on them. I've assumed that since their wheel wasn't squeaky that it didn't need any grease. But I didn't bother to get to know them well enough to learn to recognize the sound of their squeak...so they may have been squeaking and I just didn't recognize the sound.

I've kept to myself when I should have reached out. I&…