Broken Marriage

Writing things down helps me process them.

I've written a lot about my marriage and the struggles we've had. I've tried really hard to not pretend, to not convey that things are better than they are.

Our marriage is broken. Because we are, and have been, broken.

It's like a horribly cracked foundation of a house. We can fix the cracks in the walls and replace the flooring all we want to but if the foundation isn't fixed it's just going to re-crack. There's no point in doing all of that patchwork if the foundation is broken.

For a long time we just ignored the cracks in the walls and floors of our marriage. I read books and blogs and tried to make the most of the house of our marriage.

Now, and for a while, we've been trying to get to the bottom of the damage. And just as I think we've gotten to the bottom of it all, we make a new discovery. It's like when you go to change the spark plugs on your car and realize you need a new engine. (I don't know if that would ever happen, but those are two car parts I know the names of, so there you go)

The latest of these discoveries is that we are just really not compatible. We were so unhealthy when we were dating that we both ignored all of the red flags and proceeded with reckless abandon.

I was the damsel in distress and he was my knight in shining armor. I was looking for love and freedom and he was looking for...well...I won't speak for him. It's like neither of us cared about whether we would really be a good match. I was (a much less violent) Bonnie to his Clyde.

So, here we are, almost 14 years in and the things we have in common are our shared experiences over the last 16 years.

We struggle to find things to talk about so we end up talking about our problems. Our own and each others, and that gets old.

We do have fun moments, don't get me wrong. But, we aren't the kind of couple who started out with a great love, we don't have a romantic engagement story. Our wedding wasn't magical and our honeymoon isn't a very good memory. We don't like the same movies, we don't enjoy the same activities.

Well, we both like kissing. And we both of like the movie Breakfast at Tiffany's. That's one thing we've got. :)

Our marriage doesn't have a ton of awesome moments. They have gotten increasingly less horrible, and some have actually been good. Some have even been great. But mostly we've survived.

I think this is a point when a lot of people decide that it isn't worth trying to save or they completely check out. But we haven't and, by the grace of God, we won't.

We are in this. We made a commitment to God, to each other, and now to our children and we are going to keep that commitment. This isn't ideal but honestly, I don't want out. And he doesn't either.

I don't know how God is going to work this for our good, but I know that He is. I trust Him. He has already used it for my good.

The thing is, finally admitting this to ourselves has kind of set us free. For years I've been reading books and blogs trying to fix us. But really, I was fixing the cracks in the walls and floors, not wanting to admit that the problem was with the foundation. Acknowledging the broken foundation has taken the pressure off.

It's like when you know there is something physically wrong with you and you imagine all of the things that could be wrong and you avoid going to the doctor. Or maybe you go to the doctor but it takes a while to figure out what's wrong. You can't treat the illness until you know what it is. You can treat the symptoms but the illness itself can't be treated until it's identified.

I'm excited to see God work, to watch Him heal us. To witness His strength made perfect in our weakness. And to ultimately stand in awe of His goodness and glory.


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