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Being Vulnerable...and Transparent

When I was growing up in the Central Valley of California we lived on a half an acre or something. We had a huge garden, a swimming pool, ducks, rabbits, chickens, several dogs, cats and a separate building that my dad (who is a preacher) used as an office.

He had so many books and didn't want to take up all the wall space with bookshelves so he created a maze of books in one corner. It was like a square enclosed in a larger square with books on all sides. The room also sported a large white board for my dad to work out sermons on.

I would lie in wait until I knew my dad was either gone or busy elsewhere and I would sneak out there to put together my own sermons and then preach them to my imaginary audience.

I don't remember any of my sermons but I remember that it was one of my favorite things.

I've always felt a little weird about being a girl. Really only in a spiritual context because I have been drawn to things I was taught are wrong. Like teaching the Bible in any forum besides one on one or "disciple"ing anyone. I'm not sure if I was taught this or if it was just implied (or maybe I misunderstood) but it was iffy for women to talk about spiritual things at all...if there was a man anywhere in the vicinity it was better to just leave it to them.

I'm not criticizing this belief system...I'm sharing information.

(I want to stop right here and say this. I am completely open to being wrong on any topic. I will not defend myself or be defensive. If I'm wrong I want to know it. If my heart, beliefs and actions can't stand up to criticism or a difference of opinion then something is wrong. I'm done defending myself as a reflex.)

I don't have any desire to "preach" in the public assembly of the church and I would not be okay doing that anyway. But I do think that I have a lifelong passion and desire for teaching the Bible and discipleship. When I take spiritual gifts tests...those are the things I score the highest in. I have absolutely zero desire to teach math or science. It's specifically spiritual things. And it's so strong that I just wonder if God put it there. I've really felt like I was a man in a woman's body because of this, I've wondered if somehow it was some sort of birth defect that I was born a girl instead of a boy.  I've always brushed these desires and inclinations off as something that could never happen and should never happen because it was wrong.

I no longer believe that.

I'm not saying I should be teaching anyone or mentoring anyone right this second. Maybe I need to take more time to grow spiritually before I take any steps in that direction. Or maybe this isn't what God really has planned for me at all. I don't know. Maybe I score high in those things because I want to do them and not necessarily because I am or could be good at them.

I'm just putting this out there because I've been seriously thinking about what I'm doing here and I think this is it. I think that maybe this blog is an outlet for this part of me. Not that I think I'm really teaching anyone anything, I think I've made that clear. But it's a place where I can share thoughts. I can talk about spiritual things without bothering anyone. Whoever wants to read it can, and those that don't...don't have to.

I'm not sure what will come of sharing this information. I might lose some friends or be written off as a lost cause. I don't know. But it's out there now.

It's really too bad that I can't recall any of my sermons. But maybe sermons are like songs...if you write one and it doesn't get stuck in your head it's probably not a good one. :)


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