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Thinking About My Thinking

The deadline for fall submissions to (in)courage closed this morning. I didn't submit anything. It just wasn't even on the radar of things I've been thinking about.

I'm not afraid of repeated rejection. I just don't think that's what God has for me right now, and I'm not going to force it. If God gives me something to say, I'll write it and submit, but for now He hasn't.

That's a recent commitment I've made...if God opens a door I will thankfully and faithfully walk through it, but I'm not going to build my own. Unless all the materials for the door show up on my doorstep and it becomes clear that He intends me to. 

I've been struggling to remain faithful in my writing. I've been wondering if this really is God's plan for me. Because I do this basically for myself. People tell me it encourages them sometimes, but I do this completely on my own. Nobody asked me to. 

My husband gets asked to use his talents. I'm not jealous or resentful of that it's just an example of what I mean. He's a singer and he's great at 'sound'...and people ask him to do that. He gets asked to sing whenever singers are needed for anything and he gets asked to run the 'sound board' when it needs running. 

I have a cousin who is great at planning things. Like, she's amazing. And she gets asked to plan things. 

I don't get asked to write. I'm not pouting or upset about this, I'm just questioning what I'm doing here. 

Growing up, I didn't think I was capable of doing any really important job. When I took the military personality/aptitude tests in high school...they told me I would be a good senator or judge or college professor or pastor. If the test had had a face...I would have laughed in it. Not because I wouldn't have loved those jobs...but I was brought up thinking that politics or law school was out of the question for a christian and I also just didn't think I had it in me. And pastor was completely and utterly out of the question.:) Lately I've been thinking about possibly going to law school after my kids are grown just to prove to myself that I can do it. I don't know, like I said, I'm not building any doors for myself. 

Honestly, I thought that being a wife and mother were the only things I could do. I thought I would be good at keeping a home and caring for my children and husband. I'm not. It doesn't come naturally for me. I thought I would be fulfilled by it...and I love my kids and my husband so much that it hurts...but I find the itch to have something of my own to contribute to the world. Maybe that's a character defect. 

Maybe I'll get to the end of my life and my significant contribution to the world will be that my house is finally clean and I have gotten over my phobia of having people over. Maybe that's the point to all of this. 

I don't know. But these are the thoughts that have been rummaging around in my head. I'm going to be faithful to my commitment to write...even if it's only for the feeling of accomplishment when the year is over and I've kept it. 

God is good, He is faithful and I trust Him with my future, my family and all of you! 

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