Showing posts from December, 2016

My Way

My website, the one I've been writing from, will likely be offline in the next few days.

I've read articles, books, etc about how to get a blog off the ground. I maintained a Twitter for a while, made sure I had visual aids for my blog posts, posted on Instagram, Pinterest and Facebook.

I tried to make my site appealing. Because I'm a writer.

For a while I had a paid subscription to Lysa Terkheurst's website created for women who want to write or speak. I've tried to implement her suggestions to make my writing more appealing.

I've submitted my writing a couple of times to (in)Courage...only to get the same form rejection letter both times.

I've reinvented myself a million times, looking for whatever it is that successful writers have that draw people to them.

But most of all I have tried to follow God's leading, to listen for and follow His will. To use whatever gifts I have to draw people to Him. And that has mostly led to a lot of transparency on my …

Go Your Own Way

I felt like a dirty mop.
I drug myself from my bed, readied myself for work, worked for 8 hours...with a one hour break in the middle where I would do chores or run errands that I wouldn't have time to do after work...I picked up the kids and came home and made dinner super quickly, and then we all headed out the door. 
Sometimes there was no time for dinner prep or dinner at all
I felt like a dirty mop being used for jobs I wasn't prepared for. I was tired and frazzled and I never saw my kids in a meaningful way.
So a few weeks ago, my husband and I made a decision to bow out of all of our evening entanglements. Some we could stop immediately, others would require notice.
I really think it was the best thing we've ever done.
I have time to make good, tasty meals in the evening. We use real dishes. And we all sit at the table and we pass things. And we laugh. And water comes out of our noses.
And tonight, I threw potatoes
Sometimes it's hard to know what the right …

Let's Be Real For A Moment

Hello. I'm a grateful believer in Jesus Christ and I am in recovery from Codependency, lying, self hatred, self harm, blame, bulimia, depression and negative attention seeking. 
It has really amazed me how God has put the right people in my life, at the right times and in the right places. 
For the last two years, God has used Celebrate Recovery to refine me and prune my heart. He's done a lot. 
I'm not saying that to brag on myself. I say that to give God glory. 
But the thing is, I still struggle. A lot. With a lot of things.
My main, um...maybe I should say a big issue...because I guess only God knows if it's my main one... issue is that I seek the approval of people instead of God. I mean, it's not like a conscious choice to choose people over God. It's such a habit that I do it automatically. It's my default.
Not only do I seek the approval of people, but I compare myself to them. And you know what?! I NEVER measure up. 
And you know what that feels l…

Good Directions

Before Google or smartphones, he gave me directions. Not super precise ones, but accurate directions nonetheless.
I got on 360 as directed, with the intention of following the directions without fail. But, the exit he told me to take from I-20, appeared out of nowhere on 360.   
I felt confused and pressured to make a decision...maybe he meant for me to take this exit and he made a mistake in telling me to go to I-20? I mean, what are the chances that there are going to be two exits with the same name within a short distance?! Did I write the directions down incorrectly? Did I misunderstand? So, in my "about to pee my pants" crazed intoxication...I took the exit. 
About 20 minutes later, I realized that he COULDN'T HAVE POSSIBLY meant THIS EXIT, so I did the drive of shame back to 360. Went west on I-20. Got off on Green Oaks. Made it to my destination. 20 minutes late. 
Have you ever done that spiritually? 
(When I say spiritually. what I really mean is "have you …

Embracing Uniqueness

I haven’t baked anything in a long time. Well, I take that back. I have baked but I have baked in a time crunch just to get it done. I’ve done the sort of hurried/shoddy baking that I do when I am tired and I have a deadline.
I have baked brownies from a box. I have baked cakes from a box.
So, if you do both of those things judgment. I just REALLY enjoy baking from scratch. And if you know me very well, you know that I prefer to not bake from boxes. (Partially because I don’t want my children to grow up and think they have to have a box to bake.)
I have done very little baking just because I want to in the last almost 2 years.
I feel like my whole love affair with baking and cooking has hit a rut.
Honestly, most things that I enjoy doing just for the sake of doing them have been pushed aside in lieu of other things.
That’s not bad necessarily, my focus has been on my Recovery and transformation.
But I think in all my recovering and transforming, I forgot that God gave …

Broken Together...Work in Progress

My first car was not a clunker. But the air conditioner stopped working. My dad took it (before it was technically mine) to the shop to get that and some other things fixed. The shop called us and told us it was fixed so we went to pick it up.
I got in the car and drove to a gas station across the street. I pumped the gas and then got in my car and it wouldn’t start. Nothing. Nada. It wouldn’t start.
Needless to say, it went back to the shop. The mechanic diagnosed the problem and after a few days, they called us again to let us know it was ready.
When we picked it up, it ran well but the air conditioner still didn’t work. It would blow air, but it blew hot, dusty West Texas wind.
So, back it went. Again, the mechanic diagnosed the problem and fixed the issue. And again, we went to pick it up. The air conditioner worked for about 10 minutes and then it stopped. Again.
But this time, I didn’t have time to take it back. So I lived with it.
A while later I took it to another mechanic...…

Plumb Sanctification

I took a deep breath as I resang the same line for the 20th time. Thoughts of ‘not good enough’ and ‘someone else would do a better job’ lurked in the shadows of my mind.
I’ve always loved to sing, and music in general. It was weaved into the fabric of my heart ‘from the beginning’.
Over the years, this piece of my heart gave way to my acceptance of Satan’s lies as my truth. Until more recently, I resigned myself to having imagined my love of singing and any giftedness I had once believed I had.
Until, like the layers of an onion, I am becoming aware of the lies I’ve been clinging to. I’ve made a commitment to believe God’s truth instead of Satan’s lies. I learned to refute the lies with scripture and my knowledge of God.
The truth?
1.) I love to sing. 2.) I’ve never had formal lessons or help. I just learned to sing at church and repeating what I’ve heard from other sources. So my                    knowledge and skill level are fairly elementary. 3.) Michael says I have a good ear,…

Looking Ahead

Lot's wife was exhausted. She'd left her warm, cozy home and comfortable life in an instant. She'd gathered everything she could hold and followed Lot. She loved and trusted him but she was tired. She missed the children she'd left behind. And so, she looked back. For just minute. Surely it wouldn't harm. But God kept His promise and she became a pillar of salt. And forever in our minds, that's what she is. A pillar of salt.
Sometimes I feel tempted to look back at the 'me' from a few years ago and wish I were still 'her'. I was skinnier or happier or (fill in the blank). In some ways I was more innocent. And even though parts of my life were like a breathtakingly beautiful apple on the outside, but filled with worms on the inside. . . sometimes I've thought I missed that beautiful apple.
I think that that temptation is born from a lack of understanding of how God works and how growth works.
I might be fatter now, but the worms have been…

Plan B?

Asa, confronted with an inevitable battle, was overwhelmed. He loved God. Asa had purged the nation of idols and restored worship to the One True God. God had been good to him. But in the face of this battle, he didn’t turn to God. He turned to an evil king nearby. A man who didn’t love God. And who certainly didn’t work or speak for Him.
To be honest with you I can understand where Asa was coming from. I struggle with waiting. My instinct is to figure it all out for myself, and I have a hard time discerning whether it’s time to flex my muscles and get my shovel or hit my knees and lie in green pastures. Not infrequently, I go with the muscle and shovel approach.
Today I am challenged by Asa. Am I trusting God? Am I allowing Him to open my doors or am I building my own? Am I allowing God to lead me in my pursuits to shed pounds, have a meaningful job, be a nurturing, life giving mother, purchase a home? Or am I looking for a way to accomplish these things in my own power? Am I trust…