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Let's Be Real For A Moment

Hello. I'm a grateful believer in Jesus Christ and I am in recovery from Codependency, lying, self hatred, self harm, blame, bulimia, depression and negative attention seeking. 

It has really amazed me how God has put the right people in my life, at the right times and in the right places. 

For the last two years, God has used Celebrate Recovery to refine me and prune my heart. He's done a lot. 

I'm not saying that to brag on myself. I say that to give God glory. 

But the thing is, I still struggle. A lot. With a lot of things.

My main, um...maybe I should say a big issue...because I guess only God knows if it's my main one... issue is that I seek the approval of people instead of God. I mean, it's not like a conscious choice to choose people over God. It's such a habit that I do it automatically. It's my default.

Not only do I seek the approval of people, but I compare myself to them. And you know what?! I NEVER measure up. 

And you know what that feels like?! It feels like being paralyzed. I want to move, I want to act, I want to be free and my brain tells me to, but my heart believes my fear instead of the good sense that God gave me. I don't text because I am afraid that the other person doesn't want to hear from me. I'm not friendly because there are far more interesting and likeable people for them to hang out with. And I'm not myself anyway because I am so stinkin scared. It's so stinking frustrating.

So life happens. And I am reminded of how fragile it is. And how trivial it can be. And my desire to be set free is renewed. Somehow it's easier to tell the voices in my head where to go. And real change seems possible or at least worth hoping and working for.

I want to live the life that God has for me. I want to be brave. I want to take risks. I want to learn from my mistakes. I want to live the life that God instilled in me the desire for.

So I'm starting the steps over. 

Father, I am powerless over my desire to please people and seek their approval. I am powerless to change my heart. I am powerless to quiet the lies that Satan tells me about my self worth. Father, I know who you are. You are good. You are MY God. You are my Provider. You are a rewarder of those who seek you. Father, my spirit wants to see You with my whole heart but my flesh is weak and sinful. Please empower me to live by the spirit and put to death the desires and habits and false beliefs of my flesh. Father, I know that you can change me. Not for my glory but for Yours. Change me Lord and I will sing your praises from the roof tops. Father, I turn my heart, my mind, my body and my soul over to your care and control. Father, please search me. Change me. Mold me. Father, I have sought the approval of people and I have done things out of a desire to please people. Father I have stifled the girl that you made me. I have kept quiet when I should have spoken up, I have spoken up when I should have stayed quiet. Father, I have lied to avoid negative reactions from others. I have lied about how I feel and what I like and who I am. Father, I have been unforgiving and judgmental. Instead of seeking to see others through your eyes, I have judged their hearts and been unloving. FAther I have been impatient with my kids and lazy about caring for my home and body. I have used food to fill the place in my heart that only You can fill. Father, I am sorry for this. I repent. Father, have mercy on me, blot out my transgressions. Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin. I know I have sinned, my sin is always before me. I have sinned against you God and done what is evil in your sight. You are justified to condemn me, I deserve your judgment. Please place truth and wisdom in my heart. Father, thank you for discipline. Father, please create in me a clean heart, and renew a right spirit within me. Father, please don't cast me away from your presence, and please don't take your Holy Spirit from me. Please restore to me the joy of your salvation and uphold me with a willing spirit. Father, please take away all of my defects of character and please search me and purge any sin in my heart or mind or soul or body. It's in Jesus name I pray, Amen.

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