Skip to main content

Looking Ahead

Lot's wife was exhausted. She'd left her warm, cozy home and comfortable life in an instant. She'd gathered everything she could hold and followed Lot. She loved and trusted him but she was tired. She missed the children she'd left behind. And so, she looked back. For just minute. Surely it wouldn't harm. But God kept His promise and she became a pillar of salt. And forever in our minds, that's what she is. A pillar of salt.

Sometimes I feel tempted to look back at the 'me' from a few years ago and wish I were still 'her'. I was skinnier or happier or (fill in the blank). In some ways I was more innocent. And even though parts of my life were like a breathtakingly beautiful apple on the outside, but filled with worms on the inside. . . sometimes I've thought I missed that beautiful apple.

I think that that temptation is born from a lack of understanding of how God works and how growth works.

I might be fatter now, but the worms have been extricated from the hidden places of my life. With every breath I am breathing God in and releasing more of the me I don't want to be. From a carnal perspective, it may appear that I am worse off. But from a spiritual one, God has made me new. He is transforming me into the likeness of His Son.

The thing is, this transformation doesn't look like I thought it would or should. And because of that, I thought it wasn't happening. I thought God had left me. But He hadn't, I just didn't understand.

If I had not gained my weight back, I most likely wouldn't have thought I needed anymore help. I wouldn't have sought it out, God wouldn't have led me to it and I would still be blinded in the dark, searching for the light. 

But I did gain most of it back (on good days I cling to the fact that I have stopped gaining and have managed to not gain back at least 40 of the pounds I lost) and I did know I needed help, I did seek it out, God did provide it and my darkness has been brought into the light.

I am growing. Thankfully NOT physically, but spiritually. God has illuminated places in my heart that have been dark for 20-30 years. He has opened my eyes to my denial and lifted me up out of it and placed me on higher ground. He healed my marriage of the anger, bitterness and infidelity.

He is continually making me new. He is holding me up and hiding me in the cleft of the rock. He is changing me.

Do I wish I were skinnier? Yes. But I want to be skinnier as a result of God's wholeness and fullness in my life...not because I'm in the dark and can't find food.

Do I wish I were the me from a few years ago? No. Abso-tootin-lutely NOT.

I trust God. I know that He's growing me. I don't understand His methods or perspectives, but I know they are good and right and best. So I have learned to not look back with longing. I am thankful for where God has brought me from and what He's rescued me from. I look ahead with joy and anticipation and thankfulness. But I rest in God's goodness right now for where He's placed me in this moment. 

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Who is Gonna Tell the Child?

Last night, for the first time, our family had the privilege of attending an Eagle Scout ceremony. 
Our oldest boys were asked to be a part of the ceremony.  They were put in charge of the ceremonial fire.  Fire.  In a public building full of people and expensive things. FIRE. :)

As a recovering helicopter parent I appreciate situations like this one because I almost always learn something from them.

I've read a lot of parenting books. But in recent years I think that God has really redefined my view of my job as a parent. I see my job as more of a guide. I give them a job, some instructions if/when necessary and then I step back to let them figure it out. It's my job to get them ready to fly off into the sunset without me.

Events like this one often teach me about an area where I haven't given them growing room. So I go away better prepared and more enlightened about what my kids are capable of.

Anyway, one of my favorite parts of the ceremony happened when the young man …

Help Wanted

The other night I saw the movie The Help. I read the book a few months ago and I couldn't put it down!!

While I will admit that I did enjoy the book a bit more than the movie (some of the castings didn't seem quite right to me) I did enjoy both a good deal.

What gets me most in stories like that (and about the Holocaust) is not the actual perpetrators of the crimes...because they actually are deluded into thinking they are right (and as much as I hate to admit it...and I pray it is not to that grotesque extent...we all have blind spots). What gets me is the people who see that the crimes are wrong but are too afraid of what will happen to them or what their friends will think if they actually do the right thing (like Skeeter's mother).

Well, I know you'll probably find this dramatic...but from what I hear people who blog tend to be on the dramatic side...so...I guess it's to be expected.

Today while I was walking home from my 5k training there was a woman unloading…

Exhibit A

Being the mom of five wild indians makes my life interesting.

Exhibit A:

Yesterday I loaded them all into our Wild Indian Wagon and stopped to get gas.

Okay, so apparently our local fillin' station has had problems with people leaving the pump nozzles clicked down and spilling gas everywhere so they took the little whatchamacallits that hold the trigger on the nozzle down off. And a 47 gallon tank  takes a while to fill when you've run the tank purty near empty.

Meanwhile...back at the ranch...err...back inside the Wild Indian Wagon...my very wild Wild Indians decided to reenact Custer's Last Stand...on a very small scale since I'm pretty sure Custer and the Native Americans had a much larger space to battle it out in than the backseat of a Suburban.

I'm pretty sure you couldn't get hydraulics to make that thang move in the way it was moving. For reals...you know in cartoons when a group of kids gets into a fight and all you see is a cloud? There's a reaso…

Gettin' Real

It's no secret that I was pregnant when I got married (I do want to be clear, getting pregnant was not the sin, the actions that led to it are).  I'm pretty open about it.  Not because I'm proud, I am absolutely NOT proud of it.  But it's my past.  It's my story. It's my mess. It's part of the story of how God has redeemed my life from the pit.

I am saved. My sins are gone, I've been set free.

I'm still learning to live in a constant state of free-ness...I have a tendency to fall under my own condemnation. It's a work in progress! I am a work in progress.

Here's the deal though, I want to speak to those who might find themselves in a cycle of sin similar to the one I found (actually, I didn't FIND anything, I PUT myself there...let's just be honest about it) myself in. I know that the chances of this helping anyone are slim. I'm not eloquent and typically only the people who really love me even read what I write. But I want to s…

Rejected!

I received a rejection letter today.

Before you feel the need to comfort me, please know that I'm completely fine.

A while back I learned that (in)Courage was accepting submissions for blog posts to be used on their site. It needed to be something original that had not been previously published and it should fit the tone for the site and the theme for the time frame it would be published.

I immediately wanted to submit something. I wanted honest feedback about my writing from someone who doesn't already love me or like me or feel connected to me in some way. But I decided that I was not going to submit anything unless I felt prompted by God to do it. I wasn't going to force it. (On a side, but relevant, note I'm actually not sure if I stuck to this decision. I'm still asking God to open my eyes to blindness and denial...so He may reveal to me that I didn't wait for Him at all...that I jumped ahead in my own timing instead of His.)

So one night I sat down and wr…