Lot's wife was exhausted. She'd left her warm, cozy home and comfortable life in an instant. She'd gathered everything she could hold and followed Lot. She loved and trusted him but she was tired. She missed the children she'd left behind. And so, she looked back. For just minute. Surely it wouldn't harm. But God kept His promise and she became a pillar of salt. And forever in our minds, that's what she is. A pillar of salt.
Sometimes I feel tempted to look back at the 'me' from a few years ago and wish I were still 'her'. I was skinnier or happier or (fill in the blank). In some ways I was more innocent. And even though parts of my life were like a breathtakingly beautiful apple on the outside, but filled with worms on the inside. . . sometimes I've thought I missed that beautiful apple.
I think that that temptation is born from a lack of understanding of how God works and how growth works.
I might be fatter now, but the worms have been extricated from the hidden places of my life. With every breath I am breathing God in and releasing more of the me I don't want to be. From a carnal perspective, it may appear that I am worse off. But from a spiritual one, God has made me new. He is transforming me into the likeness of His Son.
The thing is, this transformation doesn't look like I thought it would or should. And because of that, I thought it wasn't happening. I thought God had left me. But He hadn't, I just didn't understand.
If I had not gained my weight back, I most likely wouldn't have thought I needed anymore help. I wouldn't have sought it out, God wouldn't have led me to it and I would still be blinded in the dark, searching for the light.
But I did gain most of it back (on good days I cling to the fact that I have stopped gaining and have managed to not gain back at least 40 of the pounds I lost) and I did know I needed help, I did seek it out, God did provide it and my darkness has been brought into the light.
I am growing. Thankfully NOT physically, but spiritually. God has illuminated places in my heart that have been dark for 20-30 years. He has opened my eyes to my denial and lifted me up out of it and placed me on higher ground. He healed my marriage of the anger, bitterness and infidelity.
He is continually making me new. He is holding me up and hiding me in the cleft of the rock. He is changing me.
Do I wish I were skinnier? Yes. But I want to be skinnier as a result of God's wholeness and fullness in my life...not because I'm in the dark and can't find food.
Do I wish I were the me from a few years ago? No. Abso-tootin-lutely NOT.
I trust God. I know that He's growing me. I don't understand His methods or perspectives, but I know they are good and right and best. So I have learned to not look back with longing. I am thankful for where God has brought me from and what He's rescued me from. I look ahead with joy and anticipation and thankfulness. But I rest in God's goodness right now for where He's placed me in this moment.