Showing posts from January, 2017

The Parenting Advice that I Have Never Read in a Parenting Book

I have a lot of regrets as a mom. There's not a single moment as a mom that I can point to and say "this is the ONE moment I would do differently". Because there are a million moments I would take back and do differently. If I HAD to pinpoint something, I would say that I wish I had stepped out of denial sooner. Which translates to...I wish I had known Jesus sooner. Because Jesus is the one thing that has changed everything. The thing is, I read tons of parenting books. I wanted to be a good mom. I wanted to nurture and be a safe haven for my kids...but I wasn't. And no amount of "how to be a good parent" books made a difference -- except to increase my self loathing, condemnation and hopelessness.The biggest change for me began the day I truly surrendered to God. Don't get me wrong, I didn't become June Cleaver overnight. But a healing process began. My eyes were opened to the pain and anger I had been denying. And as I allowed God to peel back the…

The Catch

Sometimes  I feel like a fraud. Sometimes when I want to express my love to God, the words catch in my throat because my actions aren't always aligned with those words. Peter comes to mind in those moments.He was quick to declare his love, faith and loyalty. But his actions were not always as bold or in agreement in their declarations. And sometimes, he completely missed the point. And yet, even when he denied knowing Jesus, Jesus never denied knowing him. And when He missed the point or got it wrong, Jesus didn't tell him to go away. Or render him useless and relegate him to being a silent observer. He invited him out onto the water. He ate dinner with him. Included him in private, intimate moments. Appeared to him and taught him after the resurrection and then filled him with His Spirit and used him to implement and teach and govern His Kingdom on Earth.My deficiencies do not render me useless to God. They render me humble and reliant on Him. They embody opportunities for Go…

What God Did

I stood my ground in my bare feet.

After 14 and 1/2 years of marriage, we stood in the kitchen. Contemplating. Surrendering.

Neither of us had ever really let the word divorce settle to the ground. Always afraid that the ground would explode if we did. We both regretted. We both wished from time to time. But it was never REALLY a road we were willing to take.

I had manipulated him into marrying me. Because I was dead inside. Because I opened my soul and allowed Satan to plant his claws there.

I didn't know that knowing I hadn't been chosen would leave an emptiness in my spirit. I was selfish and impulsive and manipulative and I groped the control of my life out of God's hands and I coerced events to get what I wanted.

But I didn't get what I wanted. And to this very day, if I could take it all back. I would.

And so, even though I admitted my lies and manipulations years ago, as he struggled with fidelity, I took each revelation and indiscretion as lashes that I deserv…

Things I Learned (or relearned) in 2016: Part One, Probably

1. My kids success isn't always in God's plan.

I prayed that my child would win. Not for bragging rights or for the parental status it would bring. For my child.

So, I watched my child run like the wind...way behind all the other kids. And my heart sank. Why couldn't God allow my child to be good at this one thing? Why couldn't He allow my child to be successful this one time?

I blinked back hot tears as my heart hurt for my child who was obviously working as hard as they could...and still losing by a large margin. And I asked God why.

It took a few minutes for the answer to come, but I realized that my child is not the only child on the field and I am not the only parent praying for their child to win. Obviously they can't all win.

So I changed my prayers. Instead of praying for my child to win, I prayed that God would do whatever He thought best and to help my child not find their worth in their loses or wins but in the Father who loves them regardless of how the…

This is Hard to Say...But it Needs to be Said

I cannot express to you how much I do NOT want to say what I am going to tell you.

A while back I went through spiritual formation counseling.

The process began by personality tests and spiritual gifts assessments and then, and over a period of weeks and months, I was given spiritual disciplines assignments to complete and then I would report back periodically how each task had gone. It was all in an effort to find how I personally connect with God.

Bible reading, meditation and journaling were all very productive for me. Surprisingly though, silence and listening and community are all major players as well. Who would have thought?!

But, there's a major way that I connect with God that I had kind of missed.

I've written before about how I get great ideas when I'm washing dishes. But, at the time I was acknowledging this, my idea of connecting with God was much more narrow than it is now and so I didn't recognize it as connecting with God.

For the past little while I ha…