After 14 and 1/2 years of marriage, we stood in the kitchen. Contemplating. Surrendering.
Neither of us had ever really let the word divorce settle to the ground. Always afraid that the ground would explode if we did. We both regretted. We both wished from time to time. But it was never REALLY a road we were willing to take.
I had manipulated him into marrying me. Because I was dead inside. Because I opened my soul and allowed Satan to plant his claws there.
I didn't know that knowing I hadn't been chosen would leave an emptiness in my spirit. I was selfish and impulsive and manipulative and I groped the control of my life out of God's hands and I coerced events to get what I wanted.
But I didn't get what I wanted. And to this very day, if I could take it all back. I would.
And so, even though I admitted my lies and manipulations years ago, as he struggled with fidelity, I took each revelation and indiscretion as lashes that I deserved, ripping and tearing at my flesh.
So we stood in the kitchen, fourteen and a half years of pain spilling out around us. Of infidelity and lies. Souls weary from the burden. God had brought our marriage a long way. But the pit seemed darker than ever. It seemed like each layer that was peeled back just revealed another level that needed peeling back. And...
After 14 and a half years of knowing he hadn't really chosen me, I was done trying to hold it all together. It was time to let it go. To let the chips fall where they would. If our marriage didn't survive...then it didn't survive.
And I felt my spirit surrender. The world wouldn't end. The ground wouldn't explode. It would be difficult and painful but we would all be okay. Divorce was an option.
Was there too much pain? Had we hurt each other too much? Could we really have an intimate, REAL marriage that could give glory to God?
We stood in the kitchen.
We searched our hearts. We cried.
And we chose.
We chose each other. For real this time. Without any manipulation or coercion. He chose me. And I chose him.
And for the first time, I felt chosen. We started being super honest. Stopped making assumptions and started asking questions.
When conflict arises, we get to the heart of the issue instead of fighting about silly things that aren't really the issue.
We aren't perfect. This isn't 'happily ever after'. But it's real.
And all those weights that felt like they were holding us down, finally let go. Because we let them go.