Showing posts from April, 2017

Parenting: Ambassador to My Son's Heart

Eyes filled to brim.
Body shaken and tense.
Confusion, disappointment contort the face of child at jagged edge of manhood.
He didn't get in.
Questions, tears escape together.
"Why is he luckier than me?"
Spiritual warfare wages. This boy formed in my womb, knows of God. But doesn't know the Father who can only be known through time and trial and...seeking.
Teeth clenched, heart aching. Determined. Satan will not win. Not this battle. Not. this. boy.
"Satan, get away!"
Words come. God's ambassador to this boys heart. I tell him about the Father I know.
Higher ways. Wiser thoughts.
Good. My good. The good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.
Faith. Without knowing. Without seeing. Abiding.
And . . .
It's okay to be angry. But tell Him. It's okay for the words to be raw. He'll hear your heart.
Tell Him. Ask Him. Trust Him. Thank Him.
Lies seem true. But they are lies construed to deceive. To trap. To kill.
Seek God. W…

What Freedom Feels Like

The patchwork quilt lays quietly in ripples across the sea of grass growing wildly and abundantly into the sky.The breeze swirls and dances through the peach fuzz on my arms.Sunshine seeps into my soul and feels like being baptized in God's love.I breathe in the honeysuckle sweetness and breath out the toxicity poisoning my spirit. The heaviness that bearing the weights of my world impales into my heart.This world is beautiful. But broken.I am broken. By my own sin. By others' sin.In my brokenness, I pick up the pieces and clumsily tape them back together. Like trying to mend the pieces of remaining flesh after a lion has feasted on his prey.Believing that it must be done before it can be a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God. Before the spiritual act of worship.But duct tape and clumsy hands cannot repair. The heart is too complex, too essential, too. . .Broken. Shattered. Incinerated. Obliterated.Pieces too small for human eyes and hands to maneuver.It is God's wo…

How to Distinguish Truth From Lies

I cower like a whipped puppy. When accusations are hurled at me or someone disagrees with me. I cower. But I am learning that just because someone else sees me and things a certain way, doesn't mean they are that way. So I am learning to sift for truth. Here's what I am learning... 1. Pray. Tell God explicitly that I am confused. Ask Him to reveal the Truth to me. Even if that means convicting me of sin. I ask Him to reveal any area of denial that I am in and any lies that I am believing. 2. Seek wise counsel. 3. Check my heart, admit and repent of any pride or defensiveness or other sin. And make sure that I am open to being wrong. 4. Trust God to give me the answers I need and to direct my steps. Because He will. Jesus said that if I continue in His word, then I will be His disciple and I will know the truth and the truth will set me free. 5. Seek God with all my heart. Worship Him. In song and in life. And in His word. 6. Give it time. It doesn't always happen ov…

A Reason to Give Up

I could live in the shame of my past. I could accept the judgments of others.
I could. Because I have committed heinous acts. Against God and other people. Very public things that most people who have known me for a few years know about. And others who haven't that I openly confess to.
But I don't live in shame. Because that isn't what God has for me. Or you. I won't live in character defects. I don't have to.
I do not delight in them. I rejoice because Jesus plucked me out of the clutches of Satan.
But because I remember where He's brought me from, I love Him even more. I am deeply and profoundly grateful. I am keenly aware of what God has done for me.
So while people may turn their backs on me, I will not cower. I will boldly declare God's goodness and allow the Spirit to mold me to be different in the future.
My God is amazing. He has done marvelous things for me. It's difficult to draw a deep breath when I try to meditate on it all. Everytime…

What the Cross Means to Me

I would probably be dead.No exaggeration. No dramatics. Without the cross of Jesus Christ I would probably be dead.I would have given in to the darkness. "The anger of the enemy would have swallowed""alive".The lies of Satan would have consumed me like a python consuming a baby piglet.I believed I wasn't good enough. I believed that there was something inherently wrong with me. I believed that I was a garbage person with a Judas heart. That for whatever reason, I was born evil.I lied, cheated and stole. I gossiped, and wore pride like a Bubble Boy wears his bubble. I sought attention through negative behaviors.And I self harmed. All while going to church 3 times a week and checking off the to-do list. I was "raised in the church".But then Jesus plucked me out of the clutches of Satan. I haven't had suicidal thoughts in years. I'm open and honest about who I am. Regardless of what anyone says to me or about me or thinks of me, I know wh…

The Story of Our House

Neither of us had a job when we got married. And yet, nearly two weeks ago, Michael carried (er...hoisted seems like a better word) me over the threshold of the home God has given us.

For the first few years of our marriage, jobs came and went. And we had baby after baby. We depended heavily on our parents for financial support.

When we finally had some consistency in the job department, we still didn't live within our means. At one point we took out payday loan after payday loan, getting further and further behind.

We would not pay our bills for months and get our electricity cut off.

All of our cars were given to us or bought for us. We went through several cars in the first ten years of our marriage.

To be honest, I can't believe we ever even TRIED to live on what we lived on. But we were not responsible with what we did have.

When I gave my life truly and fully over to Christ, things started to get better. We gradually began paying our bills consistently. We stopped asking…