Hannah Fancher July 26, 2011 at 3:41pm · Sometimes I feel really bad about myself. I think that God could have done so much more with me if I had not wasted 10 years wallowing in sin (as a side note--I spent the last 10 years trying to figure out what was psychologically wrong with me...and then I started listening to a series of sermons on the book of Roman's and had so many 'aha!' moments it was ridiculous! But the verse that talks about God giving "them" over to their sin and allowing them to wallow in it really hit me. There was nothing wrong with me psychologically except that, I believe, God had given me over to my sin. So there you go.) I should be so much farther along. And I start to feel ashamed.
This is me about the time I wrote this.
But it hit me the other day...yeah I have really sucked it up...but I believe that God has shown His power in my life by doing things that can absolutely NOT be mistaken for MY power...in a way that I don't think I could have understood if I didn't see the level of depravity/sin/weakness that I have.
I struggled with my weight for a long time. I really think it was just a symptom of the greater issue. I still struggle with homemaking. I have seen some growth in that area as well...but not as much as I would like. A few months ago I really started praying for God to be glorified in my home and the gospel commended through my home. And today, I'm on day 7 of the FlyLady baby steps.I know that doesn't seem like much...and it isn't. But I've never made it past Day 2 before. So for me, at my level of weakness, it IS a lot. And I am so thankful to God for shining His power and grace through my weakness. God is so good and I am so humbled that He would answer my prayers and change my life in the ways that He has. Praise God! If you have a second...please pray for me in this area of my life! I need it!
I posted that on Facebook 6 years ago today. I was 29, about a hundred pounds lighter, and my oldest kid had not even hit double digits. It had been a little bit over a year since I surrendered my life to Jesus. Which sounds strange if you know that I “grew up in the church”. But that’s a story I’ve told before, so I’ll assume you’ve heard it or can find it if you really want to.
Even though in some ways, it may appear that I am in worse shape, other than physically - I’m not. I’m really not.
Reading through that I sense shame. Regret. Self condemnation. I was a girl desperately seeking my Savior. Redeemed from my putrid sin, and yet, still breathing in and choking on fumes.
I understand now that there had been and still was something psychologically wrong with me. I was coping. And beating the little girl inside to an utter pulp. Desperately seeking love and acceptance and attention by any means necessary. Like an alien movie where the aliens take over human bodies, I buried Hannah Deanne Permenter alive, beaten and clinging to air and took over her body. And that led to mental instability. My mind was fractured by paradoxes that I didn’t yet understand. Denial. Secrets.
The girl who typed this Facebook Note believed that she was inherently evil. That God loved other people but that she was too vile. That she was the exception to God’s promises. She wanted to believe that God could love her, but she just didn’t.
I associated myself with Judas, Saul and Josephs brothers who sold him into slavery.
I did get one thing right though. God has shown His amazing grace and power. More than I could have ever asked or imagined 6 years ago.
I wish I hadn’t gained so much of my weight back. That’s something I’m working on. But I am thankful for how I’ve grown and what I’ve learned over the last six years. I’m thankful that God has lifted me out of that shame and regret. That He has shown me what it looks like to have a new life. And that He has healed my mind in heart in ways I didn’t even know it was needed. And to be honest, if I hadn’t gained most of my weight back I probably wouldn’t have realized how broken and hurt I still was. And I wouldn’t have sought out the help I needed.
The last six years have been...growing years. And felt a little like a rubics cube that I had really messed up and God was putting back in order. They have been painful in a lot of ways. I’ve spent a lot of time feeling pain that I had denied was there.
The girl typing this is much stronger than the girl who typed that Facebook Note 6 years ago. I’ve learned a lot of truth that I had missed. In some ways it's hard to believe that the girl who wrote the Facebook note is even the same person typing this. But alas, it is the same girl.
I still struggle to believe that I am loved. Satan has been working on me lately it seems, and I am struggling to hold onto that belief. To the belief that God’s promises are for me. That God is for me. That when He looks at me He sees Jesus. That I am not a garbage girl. I’m holding on, but my heart-knuckles are white.
I pray that six years from now, I will be telling you adamantly and emphatically that I am loved. That I am God’s workmanship. That God’s promises include me.
Actually, I pray that I don’t HAVE to tell you at all. That I will live it and you will know it because you SEE it.