What I haven't told you about our house. . .

I clicked on a Facebook ad.

Facebook ads are mostly a source of merriment for me. A while back all of the ads were for toilets. Apparently SOMEONE had been shopping for toilets online.

Anyway, I clicked on the ad. It was from a mortgage lender boasting that they could give us a mortgage that would be cheaper than renting. I honestly don't know why it caught my eye. It did, I clicked it and filled out the form. I was brutally honest about our financial situation. I didn't want to get halfway through the process, fall in love with a house and then be told we didn't actually qualify.

I expected them to either respond with a checklist of things we needed to do to qualify, or not at all. I never in a million years thought they would tell us that we qualify. (Michael was actually really annoyed that I did this. He had no confidence in this at all.)

To be honest, we had given up hope of being homeowners the spring before.

So I was shocked when they responded pretty quickly assuring me that they believed we could qualify for a mortgage.

We got the documents together, submitted it all and waited.

For a little over a month we looked on realtor.com and zillow.com without making any attempt to look at anything in person.

In late February we spoke to the lender who let us know that we were approved and just needed to find a house. So we called a realtor and made an appointment to look at two houses the next day.

The next day, Michael got home a little bit late from work and we decided skip looking at the second house. I hadn't even wanted to look at it anyway.

We looked at the first house and I knew the moment I walked into it that it wasn't the house for us. It was small and awkward and . . . Not our house.

In my disappointment I reluctantly agreed to looking at the second house right then.

We walked in the door and it smelled like "old lady house". It had shag carpet, gaudy drapes, A LANDLINE and . . . it was like meeting someone new but feeling like our spirits had always been friends.

We talked to the realtor and all agreed that we needed to save a little bit more money before making an offer on anything.

I wasn't disappointed. This house was way better than anything I imagined we would get. I loved it, but trusted that if it was our house God would make a way or save it for us. But I kind of assumed it wasn't our house. I couldn't imagine God giving us a house like this.

Over the next 2 hours a chain of events took place that couldn't have been anything other than an act of God. We called the realtor back that night and told him what happened and that we wanted to make an offer on the second house.

The realtor suggested that we wait until we could look at it again, so we made an appointment for Saturday morning (this was Thursday).

We looked at it and confirmed that we did want to make an offer.

During this walk through I noticed more about the person who had lived there. It seemed like either she had passed away or had to move in with family or a nursing home.It was like someone just left abruptly.

Still trusting that if this was the right house that God would work it out, I patiently waited to hear if our offer was accepted. In the mean time, I began praying for the woman who lived here and her family. Regardless of what had happened it was sure to be difficult, so I prayed for them.

We found out that there were other offers, so instead of praying that God would give us the house, I prayed that he would give it to the right people. Regardless of who it was.

I still believed in my heart that this was too good to be true, so I didn't want to push it or beg God for it. If it were going to be ours I wanted to be sure it was because it was God's will. We had really gotten ourselves into messes by rushing ahead for something we wanted instead of waiting for God to direct us. So I wanted to be sure I didn't do that this time.

We received word the next day that our offer was accepted. Our lender told us that there were no obstacles and we began the count down.

There were several reasons that we were concerned about it passing inspection and appraisal. Once again, I was prepared for everything to come to a screeching halt. I had zero anxiety. I knew that if it was our house it was our house and if not, we would move on.

One by one each of the potential stop lights turned green.

Every day I drove by the house and tried to soak in the reality that this beautiful house was going to be ours.

It all seemed surreal. How could something this good happen to us?! It was overwhelming.

And then came closing day. THEY GAVE US THE KEYS.

I couldn't believe it REALLY happened. TO US.

We had a party to praise God.

So. . . here's the part I haven't really shared about before. This is hard to admit but .  .  . I have been depressed ever since we closed on the house. To be fair, I went through a pretty major rejection right about the same time, which I am sure accentuated the depression. But during a time when I should have been over the moon, there was an undercurrent of sadness. Of confusion. And self condemnation. And pride.

I knew we didn't deserve this house. God DID this for us and I couldn't figure out why. He literally broke down a million barriers. There is no other way to say it . . . GOD GAVE US THIS HOUSE. But why would He do that?

I knew the answer in my head, but my heart just couldn't accept it.

He loves other people just as much as He loves me and their house buying experience was frought with anxiety and obstacles. Why would He give us this house in the most peaceful way possible?

I finally sat down and processed it out on paper. And I realized . . .

I have a deep soul belief that I have to earn love. From God and from other people. And I haven't. I can't. As a result, my heart believes that I am unloved. And incapable of ever changing that.

So this house shook me to the core of my soul.

I'm not going to say that I am cured of that belief, but understanding that I have it is a definite step in the right direction. Bringing it out into the light, where the Truth can shine on it works wonders.

And guess what topic the older women decided to do a study on and include me in?!

Uninvited: Living Loved When You Feel Less Than, Left Out, and Lonely by Lysa Terkheurst.

Ya think God is working over here?!

I am already seeing changes. I have been able to live loved in moments. And eventually there will be hours, days, weeks, months and . . . YEARS.

God is gonna do it y'all!

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