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Window Shopping: Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places

Cold and dark. Crisp. Leaves rain from sky, settle on sidewalk and my steps choke a satisfying crunch from their lifeless leafy body.

Breath catches. I peer into the window of a home as I pass. The light from within penetrates the darkness outside. Warmth, laughter and love spills into the night.

The coziness of the scene sucker punches me. Loneliness envelopes me. 

Longing fills my gut.

Craving . . . 

to be included. invited in. loved. accepted. 

to understand the meaning behind the knowing glances and secret language that evokes mirth, but only to those who know it well.

to be completely and utterly known. And to know. 

I know this aching well. 

I've walked through life looking in windows at every opportunity to socialize.

Longing.

Wishing. 

Manipulating.

Blaming.

Harming. Me

If I could be funnier. If I were prettier, thinner, nicer, more easygoing, more hardcore. If I liked different things, if my goals were different. If I were someone else. Anyone else

Like a science fiction mind melding, I buried the feisty, musical creative girl that God sculpted.

Chameleon. Except the Dorian Grey version. 

And then I realized . . . I'm the one standing outside looking in. It's a choice I have made. 

So I'm learning what it means to really seek God first. To "live loved" by God, regardless of the messages or opinions of people. To reverse the mind melding and accept the sweet girl that God made. To allow God to build my own cozy, lit within, peaceful, loving, full of laughter home. 

I'm praying first and talking about "it" less. 

When I catch myself about to grasp for scraps of love, I stop myself and trust God to provide what I need. Grasping for scraps of love feels good in the moment, but it's not real love and always leaves me feeling empty.

And I'd rather have the real thing and be full. So, right now, I'm being a little bit quiet. Because I honestly am not sure what healthy relationships look like. I am not sure who I am. I'm letting God fill me up and trusting that when the time is right, He'll lead me beyond those borders.

I'm not avoiding people. I'm just trying to stop relying on people for what I should be seeking from God, and seeking God's fullness so I can bring that fullness into my relationships and interactions.

I'm ready to be known. Really known. To stop trying to figure out what will make people like/love me and feeling empty and defeated because it doesn't work.

Father, I'm sorry for rejecting the person you made me. I'm sorry for burying her. I'm giving you all of the things I've used to win the approval of people. . .people pleasing, assuming, manipulation. Father I trust you to give me what I need. Please root me and ground me in love so that I can bring your fullness with me where ever I go. In Jesus name I pray, amen!




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