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A Disappearing Act

I'm not a big gift giver. I love to give gifts, but I find it daunting most of the time, so I don't  attempt it often. When I feel moved to give a gift, it's to have my love for the other person manifested in physical form. Evidence of our deep, soul-knowing. And finding the perfect gift to do that is . . . not easy. Sometimes I end up proving that I don't know them as well as I thought. And I really dislike that feeling.

I'm not a big gift receiver either. It's not that I don't love receiving gifts, but I receive them in the same way I give them...as a physical manifestation of our relationship. Evidence of our deep, soul-knowing. Or proof that they really don't know me at all. 

Gift giving and receiving is a serious business for me. Obligatory gifts and designated gift giving times are pestilences in my view. I hate the pressure to find the perfect thing on cue, and I hate settling for something less than perfect even more. So when the Spirit moves me to give a gift, I almost always do. 

According to the Five Love Languages test, gift giving is one of the ways I give and receive love the least. But I don't think that's entirely accurate. There is nothing that indicates to me more that someone knows me and loves me than when they give me a gift and it's like they have seen into my soul. 

When it does happen, I think it's because that person has a special connection to the Spirit and the Spirit loves me through them.

I remember receiving gifts as a kid, and no matter what it was, I made a point to be excited about it. I remember only one or two times when I had something specific that I asked for. (One of those things was an Elvis doll...can you believe it?!) I wasn't the type of kid to make a list of things I wanted for Christmas or my birthday. I just accepted what I was given, glad to receive it. 

It's obviously good to be grateful for receiving gifts. But I think I took it to an unhealthy level. Even if I really disliked the gift, I didn't let on. If it was clothes, I wore it. I never expressed my opinion. I got to a point where I didn't even think about whether I had one. Or I mirrored someone else's. 

It was a part of the burial of my true self. The self that God made me. And the start of a lot of my character defects. It was me living out my belief that I don't matter. That I'm not good enough. That nobody did or could love the real me. So I let them believe I was the person they thought I was. 

I disappeared. 

And nobody knew to look for me.

I have lived my life like a giant game of Whack-a-Mole. Trying to predict what opinion or decision would make the person I'm with like me. Never making real connections. Too much work.

I don't know how God is going to fix this. I don't know what it will look like.

What I do know is that it will have to be him. I can't do it. I've tried. All I can do is the things that keep me disappeared.

I'm going to start right now praising God for whatever He's going to do. For however He's going to fix me. I know He will. His gifts are always good, and better than I ever could have asked or thought about.


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